Creators: INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW FANTASY WORLD The world: [Medieval European setting with knights and castles. Elves live in the forest. Dwarves yelling and drinking. Orcs just green and angry. Dragons. Boob armour.]
The world’s game trailer: [Hot mage girl. Antagonist is either a crusty old man or a sometimes sexy white woman. Fantasy war. British accents. Ugly armour. Robust character creator with multiple fantasy race options but no dark skin tones for humans. Giant spiders. A huge potion making mechanic with hundreds of recipes no one is gonna use. More giant spiders. “Only you can save the world”.]
Elf androgyny and dwarf androgyny and orc androgyny are like three very different forms of androgyny and defiance of the binary and they’re all so good
Elf: everyone’s pretty, but has no ass.
Dwarf: everyone’s hairy, but has no ass.
Orc: everyone’s SHREDDED and can crack walnuts between their cheeks.
Wizards have the same trust in magic that software designers have in software, which is to say, almost none at all.
“Are you fucking kidding me I worked in a reagrent shop for a few years I don’t trust any of that stuff. Who the hell knows what other components are in the ashes.”
“Yeah I was in the circle that made Alston’s Divine Circle of Teleportation. There’s some pretty nasty corner cases you can get into but the headmaster published it without us. I just take ships. It’s way safer.”
“I call bullshit on that Necromancer channeling spirits of loved ones. What did he say he was using? ‘Medium Conduit Ruinic Circles’? That’s just a bunch of buzzwords slapped together, and they don’t even interact with each other.”
“I’ve been looking at this scroll all morning and I’m 90% sure that the scribe didn’t even look at the standard for pyromancies.”
“Help Desk, this is Gloriline, what did you fuck up this time?” *indistinct vocals* “Dave, I’ve seen the news, and, frankly, I can see the ash cloud from here. You paid for extended support, not enabling support.”
Fantasy Guide: Common battle wounds and how to fix them
Arrow wounds: Now if the lung, heart, kidney, other major organ is hit, there may be little to do. The kidney has a back up, so maybe a skilled surgeon could save him, not exactly sure however. If hit by an arrow and not hit dangerously in an organ or artery, we can help. Firstly, DO NOT REMOVE arrow by yanking. Arrow must be worked from the skin by skilled hands. Once arrow is out, wash would with clean water/alchohol/herbal remedies. To heal slow, sew up wound and wrap in bandages. To speed it up, cauterise the wound with fire. It will hurt and patient pay pass out but now the arrow wound can heal faster. This works for crossbow bolts as well. On the gross side, arrows may be smeared with dirt or shit, so sepsis is a danger. This is how the great Richard the Lionheart died. Sometimes the mighty lion is killed by a shit arrow. But hey, shit happens. Arrow wounds take a couple of weeks to heal.
Sword slashes: if shallow, wash and bind up. May require stitches. If deeper, repeat process with more stitches and more bandages. Even if shallow, the cut must be washed using alcohol or clean water. May take a few days to weeks to heal depending on wound depth and severity.
Stab wound: Again don’t remove knife or object. If already removed, wash would and sew it up. You may need to cauterise. If guts, organs, brain, is falling out, there is nothing to do. This may take a couple of weeks to months to heal depending on wound.
Broken Bones: A break must be splinted with a board of wood and bandages. Slings can support arms and wrists. If your character breaks a leg, it may be worse. Breaks don’t heal great without modern medicine. Your character may have a limp or leg pain. In you’re are living in a hot climate, you’re pretty much fucked because infection sets in fast. These may take months to heal.
It can be hard to remember how to properly address your noble or royal characters when writing a fantasy court. Here is a quick guide:
1. King/Queen:
Usually addressed as either “Your Grace” or “Your Majesty”. Consort (married to a ruler and not reigning in their own right) can be addressed the same. Sire or Madam can be used also.
2. Prince/Princess:
They are addressed as “Your Highness”. They are NEVER addressed the same as a King or Queen
3. Duke/Duchess:
These are addressed with “Your Grace”. This was a common term also used by royalty before Henry VIII got to big for his codpiece.
4. Earl (Count)/Countess:
Are almost never referred as the “Earl of Narnia” but “Lord Narnia”.
5. Lord/Lady:
An easy one. They are called “My Lord” or “My Lady”.
6. Emperor/Empress:
These may be equal to a King/Queen for status but the have a grander title. They are only addressed as “Your Imperial Highness/Majesty”
I hope this helps when writing your court or fantasy novel.
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