Tag: john mulaney

honeybunash:

mulaney:

Anonymous: Did you ever go back to the Salt and Pepper diner?

at my show he told us about this!! and then he also said that he got arrested with the same friends he went to the salt and pepper diner with and they were all named john and the police officer had them all lined up on his car and he asked the first guys name and he said john and then he asked john mulaney and he said john and then the officer said “if you say your name is john youre all going to jail” and then he said his name is john and the officer lost his shit

thedoctorsawkwardhufflepuff:

What really bothers me is that staff thinks it needs to make this site “safe for children” like have you seen this place? Get rid of the pedophiles and child porn by all means please, make it safe for teens sure, but no 9 year old should be using tumblr so I think you’re in the clear there. I don’t get it like what did staff just wake up one morning, and look at this site like

“…Hmm…”

thatsparrow:

like I go on social media platforms sometimes, and I’ll put up with anything. i’ll log on to some garbage website, i don’t wanna name an actual website so let’s just make one up. let’s call it “tumblr”. so i’ll log onto tumblr and i’ll go, “can you ban all the porn bots?” and they go, “no, we’re not gonna do anything about it” and I go, “okaaay!” and then I go watch something on netflix. and then i come back to tumblr and I go, “any updates?” and they go “yeah, we flagged a bunch of posts incorrectly and deleted blogs that had nothing to do with the porn bots. because we hate you. now take this pointless april fool’s gag that doesn’t matter, go fetch!” and I go “okaaay!” and I @ staff and go, “can I have my blog back please?“ and they go “NO!” and I go “okaaay!” and they go, “you’re a little naive user, aren’t you?” and I go “nooo,” and they go “SAY IT!” and I go “i’m a little naive user.“ and then I go over to the tumblr support link (which is an oxymoron) and I go, “can this please be a functioning website?” and they go “no! in fact, we’re gonna ban all nudity on this site indiscriminately! and we’re going to keep incorrectly flagging sfw posts with our shitty algorithm! and we’re not gonna do anything about the white nationalists!” and I go “why are you doing this to me?!” and they go, “because we’re tumblr staff, and life is a fucking nightmare!”

mllesouthernbelle:

kwehkwehmotherfucker:

morthils:

stillisee:

aro-as-in-straight-as-a:

thegoodjanet:

izzy-almighty:

hot take: jake peralta is bi and john mulaney plays his ex boyfriend from high school in season six of brooklyn nine-nine

john mulaney plays a rockin’ twink

John Mulaney: *to himself* What would Leonard Bernstein do?

Captain Holt: *to Jake, quietly* I support your and Amy’s relationship with my whole heart but why on earth would you give up a man like that

I don’t even go here (just like… my toes) and I want this, specifically with all these tages from @bosstoaster

#The episode would be Amy getting jealous not of John and Jake but that he has so many interests in common with Holt#So she spends the whole time trying to win back the Captain#Meanwhile Rosa is on a warpath at Jake#Because she told HIM about her sexuality and stuff and had EMOTIONS#And he didn’t tell HER#How DARE he

“look, it’s not like i hid anything, it just never came up!” 

“You called yourself out for ‘straighsplaining’“ 

the whole bi thing goes completely over charles’ head and he keeps getting really aggro like “oh you and jake were real close huh?? too bad, sucker jake is MY best friend!” 

everybody else is like “charles no” 

at the end john mulaney turns out to be the embezzler they’ve been looking for

But he gets away by throwing a silver money clip with a fifty dollar bill in it in the gutter

This post got so much better

John Mulaney quotes I identify with

jeffersonxjinkx:

on a deep, spiritual, personal level:

  • “I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot.”
  • “I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave.”
  • “I could never dress goth, and don’t get me wrong. I’m unhappy, it’s not that.”
  • “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you were supposed to do them.”
  • “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”
  • “I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”
  • “I thought I was gonna be murdered my entire childhood!”
  • “What is college?” *incoherent babbling*
  • “I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like [groans]. You know, life?”
  • “When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.”