So, as context, a geoup of my friends and I were starting a new homebrew adventure. There was a multiple universe thing going on, so our team was a pixie, a rouge, a politician, and a small girl who ran a 1980s style Yakuza family before traveling between universes (me). We were in your taditional D&D time period, where everyone used swords and axes or bows and the such. We finally got to the first dungeon boss (a wizard with a lot of hp) and a little bit of fighting had occurred. This proceeded to happen.
DM: The enemy throws a firebolt at [me], it misses, but still singes your fancy suit a little.
Me: Wait, you said that we kept all our equipment and belongings when we got thrown between dimensions right?
DM: Yes, why?
Me: I shoot the wizard.
*Entire table starts laughing*
DM: Wait what?
Me: I’m high-ranking Yakuza, I’ve got a gun.
DM: Fine, roll damage.
I proceeded to roll a nat20 and roll full damage for the shot, instantly killing an enemy that was meant to escape and be the first major antagonist.
Context: I was DMing a mini campaign where everyone had to make gritty/edgy/dark characters (and surprisingly enough everyone brought something different to the table). They are long resting at a desert oasis.
DM: “ok what is everyone doing now?”
Dragonborn: “I sit in a corner and light candles around myself as I pray to Tiamat”
Elf(?): “I do the same but far away from him”
Dragonborn: “if we had more people we could make a pentagram”
Queue silence as everyone starts thinking the same thing, announcing who has candles and torches
Set up is complete, they succeed a religion roll and I flip through the devil section of the Monster manual and roll for which one they get.
DM: “A woman clad in black armor and surrounded by her own dark wings emerges from the Oasis pool-”
Everyone cheering: “WE GOT THE HOT ONE!!!”
the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
fuck the dragon.
I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so
– It’s Lord of the Rings/Holy Grail/insert fantasy film or book but it’s you!
– Spring it on them at a party
– Doing a one-shot so they can just see what all the fuss is about
– Introduce them to TAZ/Critical Role (depending on what their story preferences are)
Mod Paper
-charm person, ask your DM for advantage because your DM presumably likes D&D
-bribe them
-hold their family hostage
-bribe them while holding their family hostage.
-slowly replace more of their books with D&D books until they have no choice.
-Send them through a portal into a magical fantasy land and refuse to tell them what they have to do to survive except via the medium of your D&D campaign.
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