DM: Roll me a perception check.
Sorcerer: *attempts to roll*
Sorcerer l: *somehow chucks their d20 into their Rum&Coke*
DM: If that’s a Nat 20 everybody succeeds.
Sorcerer: *looks at die from bottom of glass* That’s a 1…
DM: And everyone succeeds.
Tag: dnd
Free worldbuilding idea:
Wizards have the same trust in magic that software designers have in software, which is to say, almost none at all.
“Are you fucking kidding me I worked in a reagrent shop for a few years I don’t trust any of that stuff. Who the hell knows what other components are in the ashes.”
“Yeah I was in the circle that made Alston’s Divine Circle of Teleportation. There’s some pretty nasty corner cases you can get into but the headmaster published it without us. I just take ships. It’s way safer.”
“I call bullshit on that Necromancer channeling spirits of loved ones. What did he say he was using? ‘Medium Conduit Ruinic Circles’? That’s just a bunch of buzzwords slapped together, and they don’t even interact with each other.”
“I’ve been looking at this scroll all morning and I’m 90% sure that the scribe didn’t even look at the standard for pyromancies.”
“Help Desk, this is Gloriline, what did you fuck up this time?”
*indistinct vocals*
“Dave, I’ve seen the news, and, frankly, I can see the ash cloud from here. You paid for extended support, not enabling support.”
“I slap the shark’s ass for seven damage.”
—
general dnd advice is just don’t play with straighties but also gays only make characters that have like 5 int and 27 charisma so you can’t win honestly
““I learned to play a flute in 6 seconds, beat THAT!””
— My ranger, who in fact learned how to do that after getting possessed and rolling a nat20
Upon meeting a new tabaxi party member
Ranger: What’s new, Pussycat?
Bard: Hmm…you’ve inspired me. *pulls out lute*
DM: Roll performance
Bard: *nat 20*
DM: You proceed to play the song seven times, and no one gets tired of it
Bard: Can I throw in one “It’s not Unusual?”
I love how the 5e corebook is very clear about how dragonborn do not have tails and literally every player and DM since has unilaterally said “That’s fucking dumb give them a tail :/”
if you give them a big stupid dragon head but no tail theyll be top heavy and fall over. this is so sad 1000 like
“Oh shit everyone, I’m a fucking furry!”
— Me, OOC, upon discovering that the elven cleric NPC I’d been shipping with my dwarf fighter is, in fact, a dragon
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